Since I was very young I have always loved to write and loved to journal. I have always wanted to write a book. I had written little short stories when I was younger, but never really had much experience or support in doing something that I loved to do. I had received so many negative comments from those who were close to me, that I lost my self confidence in doing what I had always dreamed of doing, writing. Years later after I had lost my youngest son, I decided to start journaling. Actually what I was doing was writing letters to him. Saying everything that I felt and wanted to say to him. This was my way of communicating my every thought to my son who was no longer with me. I felt safe to feel what ever I felt and safe to say what ever I wanted to say. I did not have to worry about getting any negative feedback or have to worry about someone telling me that what I was thinking or feeling was wrong. I did not have to worry about someone judging me, or worry about making others feel uncomfortable when I began talking and crying about the most horrific loss a mother/parent could experience. Getting feedback was not what I was looking for. Nor was I looking for sympathy...I just wanted someone to listen. Don't get me wrong...I know that people were only trying to help in anyway that they could...what most people did not understand was that I did not need advise, suggestions, or comments. I just needed someone to let me talk and express what I was feeling. I don't believe that they knew that there was nothing that they could say or do to make me feel better. Nothing that anyone could say or do was going to take away my pain or bring him back. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to express my thoughts and feelings and just have someone listen. The only way for me to express my thoughts and feelings was for me to write them down. Journaling...This was my way to grieve and release all the pain that I was feeling.
I recently have had several signs/coincidences/intuitions what ever you want to call it, that have lead me to this venture. I had one person ask me if I had ever thought of writing a book and had encouraged me to do so (Thank you God for placing Brenda E. in my life). I had another person who ask if I had ever thought of writing a blog (Thank you God for placing JoAnna H. in my life). I had another person ask if I would be interested in co writing a book with them (Thanking God for bringing -- into my life). These were only a few of the signs that were pushing me to do what I have always dreamed of doing...which was to write a book. I even opened up a fortune cookie about a year ago, that said "you have a way with words, you should write a book. I know that sounds really silly that I would take something from a fortune cookie so seriously, well...that fortune cookie was only one of the many signs I received...There was something inside of me that was driving me to follow my dream. I believe that those signs were just gods way of saying...hello, I am trying to tell you something. Open up your heart and your mind...listen to me...I have something that I want for you to do. I decided that I would give it a shot. Not having any experience in doing something like writing a book or blogging and not really knowing exactly what to write or blog about...well, I figured I would just go for it and give it my best.
There are so many things that I would like to write about and so much that I have to say. It is and always has been my goal to help others. I strongly believe that the purpose of life is to "MAKE A DIFFERENCE". To make a positive difference in the lives of others. One thing that I have learned over the past year or so, is that life is a JOURNEY. It is not only a journey, but it is your JOURNEY...Yours and yours alone. Your experiences in life happen for a reason. You may not understand the reason behind why certain things happen...but there is a reason for it. You may not be able to control some of the events that happen throughout your life's journey. But on thing you can do...is control how you choose to let those events affect your life and your future. You can either use these experiences to learn and grow from, and to help others along the way... or you can sit around feeling stuck, sad, depressed and miserable while asking yourself why me...Playing the victim! Don't get me wrong...there are tragedies that happen in our lives (trust me I know) and I am by no means trying to lessen or minimize the pain and sufferings that we have gone through and may continue to go through...But rather than let that the tragedy take control of your life in the most negative way...why not find a way to use your tragedy to not only help yourself, and your loved ones, but perhaps help someone else as well...by making a difference in the life of someone who may have gone through something similar to what you have gone through. I can honestly say that when I am helping someone or doing something that is going to make a difference in someone else life...it is helping me to heal as well. It had taken me 14 years to realize that I had not only not allowed myself to grieve the loss of my son, but that I had not allowed myself to live life. Clearly I was waking up each morning and going through the motions, but I was not living life. I had forgotten how to be happy...I did not know that it was okay to be happy. I had lost myself in losing my son and had no idea how to find myself or move forward, and let go of the pain. I took that pain and not only buried it deep inside, but I let it control my life. I was afraid to move forward. I was scared to let go. I was afraid that if I let go of the pain, that I would be letting go of Adrian and his memory...I was not willing to do that. As long as I was hurting and holding onto the pain, then I was holding onto him...I was afraid to let go of the pain because I thought by letting go of my pain meant that I would have to let go of him. If I was getting better then I was letting go of something that was associated with him...my pain and misery were a way of holding on to him...if I got better then I was going to forget about what I had lost in him. I was not willing to do that. My son lost his life and I did not deserve to be happy...I did not protect him like I was suppose to. I let him down and I did not save him...This was my punishment to myself for not being there to protect him. I was okay with this because I felt this was what I was suppose to feel.
It was not until maybe the end of February of 2008 that had finally decided to do something that would honor the memory of my son Adrian. I then began the venture of working with Doernbecher Childrens Hospital and began a toy drive in honor of Adrian's memory. What a great way to remember my little man and have his memory live on forever! Doing something that is going to benefit and help others. If my writing/blogging/journaling and expressing my feelings, thoughts and experiences is going to help even one person, then I am doing what I am suppose to be doing...Making a difference. Taking something negative and using that negative experience to help someone else is the beginning of making a positive difference in the life of others while honoring the memory of someone that I deeply love!
It is very important to me to try and maintain a positive attitude amidst all the negative that is going on not only in our lives, but in the world around us. I believe that if we maintain a positive attitude that we can overcome anything that we are confronted with. Always trying to look for the positive in something that may appear to be quite negative. Positive attitude produces a positive outcome as does a negative attitude produce a negative outcome.
It is my hope that this blog will be used in a positive manner and will always be a place that you can come to and know that there will always be something positive, encouraging and inspiring to read.
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